My experience in Courtrallam

First of all, my apologies for not being able to post anything for over 10 days now. Travel & work have been eating up my time. I didn't resolve to do one post a day but the expression was sort of healthy I thought for my well-being. Nevertheless, didn't feel the need to write anything for the last 10 days.

Here I am back after a weekend in Coutrallam, a quaint little town near Tirunelveli in Tamilnadu after the gay meet. It had all kinds of people from corporate to corporation, transformational to transgenders, the queens & the quaint.

I was taking a walk near the waterfalls that afternoon & it started drizzling. I took shelter at a place where a group of people were already seated. The minute I entered the enclosure they struck a conversation about my whereabouts. It was a group of semi-naked gay/bi men who were there after taking a shower in the falls. I couldn't help notice the severe bite marks in their nipples & I did imagine the kind of things they'd be doing in their cottage.

Some number swapping happened & I left.

That evening was the main attraction where 100s of gay men would assemble at the park & I went too. Unfortunately, I wasn't keeping too well & had to return in 10 minutes flat to my hotel room. I ended up sleeping 12 hours straight that night without any partner. The next day, the entire place was almost empty and people started leaving. I went to a place called 5 falls & took a shower. A lot of the crowd from the park the previous evening was present. Some Hellos were exchanged.

That evening I went to the park again only to be looked at & commented by a group of transgenders.I paid no heed for a while as I was busy on my phone. Later, I went & spoke to them and that turned out one of the warmest conversations ever. Such lovely people.

Later, I started combing the dark nooks of the park in the hope that I would find a soul similar to me doing the same. There were a few such souls. Not bad, I thought & started speaking to some of them. One of them turned out to be a regular at that yearly meetup & took me to the gaysiest lodge where maximum action apparently happened. Man! It was such a thing. Every room was filled with gay men of all shapes, sizes & ages. Not that they were having sex. Just drinking, talking, eating & relaxing. but, I was told that the action began at around 12 midnight the previous night & went on till about 5 am in the morning. Not a tree was spared, nor a car nor even an open ground where 100s of people had steamy random sex. I only pictured it in my head & I am not even sure if I would be comfortable doing such a thing with so many people.

Later I met a few people I knew not from the gay context. Ended up drinking late into the night & crashing at their place with minimal action in the night which was thoroughly enjoyable.

It was one of the most refreshing weekends on a severely low budget I had & I look forward to more such interesting experiences.

When did you discover your sexuality?

Discovery is an amazing process. It is a great feeling when a surprise is thrown at you and it gives a rush in your body like nothing else does. A lot of times, when I read the first time experience of boys either with a partner or even when they masturbate is just so damn turning on plus puts a smile on the face.

Unfortunately, for me, I was a victim of child abuse & I was fed with mouthfuls of dicks since the age of 3 and a half. So, I developed a taste for it more than that coming out naturally through a process of discovery through an unplanned sequence of events.

Later, as I grew up, I had the chance to do "it" with a lot of my cousins. This is around the time when I was 10-15. That is the time when changes happen in your body and you're amazed at the sudden enlarging of your penis and so on. I even remember walking on the road & looking at the chest hair of a man. I wasn't wearing underpants and I had an erection. My father was walking from the opposite direction. He gave me a stare and I didn't even understand what that was for. Now, he didn't know that it was a man who was turning me on. His embarrassment was probably the fact that I was standing in the middle of the road with a boner that was too big to be ignored by anybody at all.

I was fairly aware of gay sex and things like that around 1999, thanks to the internet and i was merely 11 years old. Thanks to Dialup internet connection and a lot of alone time at home since my parents were working.

I had a driver who wasn't married and was in his mid-30s around that time(he still isn't married). Whenever we used to travel as a family, I would wake up in the middle of the night & go to sleep next to him. He had such a hairy chest and when I gently groped him, he would get a hard-on. He never kissed but since he was turned on, he never had a problem with any of my further advances and we have had sex numerous times.

This is my only memory of me making an advance and getting to experience the pleasure of scruffy skin rubbing against my soft body(back then!). Later, in college, when my roommate used to deliberately walk up to my bed(on the other end of the room) & state some stupid reason like ants in his bed etc. to simply share my bed and slowly get me turned on & have steamy sex. This continued for 4 years of college. By then, I had discovered numerous other means to find my men such as Guys4men, Yahoo chat, cruising places in cities, calling random phone numbers(trust me! it worked). Those were the golden days of the Nokia 1100 & TrueCaller didn't exist.

And now I am in my late 20s, figuring out wilder ways to connect with men & trust me, the world without apps was a much better place. It is those first few experiences that live in the memories that are the most fun things ever and the instant gratification grindr approach is rather boring!

Classic vs the Romantic: The Grindr paradigm

If you have read the classic novel Zen & the art of motorcycle maintenance, you would know the classic vs romantic understanding of the world.

A romantic seeks beauty in the exterior while the classical one seeks inner beauty.

I was reminded of this when coming across something similar in the paradigm of the gay world.

99% people I have come across on Grindr or PlanetRomeo are romantics of the hopeless kind. All they care about is sex. And all that leads to sex is the exterior. Classic examples of judging a book by its cover.

There is another rare breed like me that is more in search of other things. I'd like to be cerebrally turned on more than my phallus! To be able to hold a meaningful conversation & stimulate some intellectual thoughts is a lot lot more sexier than drilling a dumbo who suffers from an intense case of verbal diarrhoea & is intellectually-challenged.

Of course, to each is his own & there is no wrong with either schools of thought. However, the latter is a lot lot sexier if at all you've ever had the chance to s(experience) it.

Gay in the Middle (East)

I was reading a gut-wrenching article about the slavery & suffering behind the facade of glass & steel that adorns the skyline of Dubai. Dubai probably is the one country that quite literally took slavery to the tallest point in man kind. Ironically, that is a new low. Probably the lowest one can stoop down too. Yet, behind the pretentious stuff that is in every corner of Dubai, let us admit it is one of the acceptably tolerant societies that isn't on the lines of other countries in the Gulf region. Even the neighbouring kingdom of Abu Dhabi is quite savage in its approach to modern day human issues.

But, there was an interesting point I read about gay life in Dubai as to how it is a heaven for gay Arabs. It is 'illegal' to be gay in Dubai, just like in several other countries. However, there isn't really any stringent punishment like in other Gulf countries. Occasionally, the police busts gay parties & lets the people go. But, Saudi Arabia is, as usual, the worst when it comes to gay laws.

However, suppression breeds desperation. The laws are so screwed up & the women are always hidden from men and the men need to rub their skin against something! Homosexuality is thus a very common thing among Arabs in Saudi Arabia. Nobody talks about it yet, they practice it. It is even more cringe-worthy to learn that they target boys between 17-21 to be "used" for their pleasure. So, whoever develops a taste for men due to continuous "ab"use need to find other places to live once they cross that age. Dubai is a heaven for such people.

As an Asian, I have my own reservations about Arab men because most of them are extremely racist & almost everybody hates Asians & especially Indians. The reasons are unknown. Maybe it is jealousy or the dark skin or sometimes the genuine cheapness some Indians inadvertently practice & exhibit. Whatever the reasons are, hate is a strong emotion.

One lesson is clearly evident. The more someone tries to suppress it, the more it actually grows. No pun intended. I have had my own share of beautiful experiences in Dubai with men and that I will reserve for another post. But, what I have been reading is blowing my mind out.

1. The Kingdom of the closet
2. Saudi Gay Scene
3. Why is homosexuality on the rise in Saudi Arabia, an Islamic country?
4. 

A world without Internet

For our crowd, I always have wondered that, the internet is such a blessing. It brings us together breaking the barriers of location, timezone, race & everything. I wish religion played the role of the internet in bringing together people & collectively help us achieve better with our collective potential.

Anyway, day dreaming is no good! Religion will remain a divisive force & internet, an unifying force.

I am imagining how life would have been without it. When I was growing up & came to understand my sexuality, the internet was parallelly evolving too. In the early 2000s, during my teens, when I realised my fondness for men with chest hair & my natural obsession with the scruffy, I could search on 'Outpersonals' or 'Guys4Men' or chat on the classis Yahoo chats, Room number 9, to discover similar people with similar preferences. I don't remember meeting anyone through the internet at that stage, nevertheless I did have my own fair share of sexual experiences with some people I knew already or I knew later after the sexual encounter.

But, imagine, even in a country like India, which is supposed to be an IT country, there are 10000s of villages that are still yet to get the power of the internet. There are so many boys & men like me from the early 2000s who are discovering their sexuality & coming to terms with it but are too afraid to talk to anyone about it. How would they express themselves? How would they meet people at all but for online dating & things like that?

It seriously makes me wonder. If you think I am sort of over imagining this, login to Planetromeo & see the number of users online in small cities like a Vizag or a Tirunelveli or Salem. Even in big cities, when we have a choice between the 300-500 odd users online, barely 2-3 are we able to strike a meaningful conversation with. Logistics, priorities etc. are enough reasons to screw up the meeting. When your choices are less than 10, imagine what the scene is!

I don't mean to sympathise with anyone because I am a strong believer of 'they'll figure it out themselves'. I do, all the time. Many do, all the frigging time. One in need, real need, will figure it out himself. Yet, it makes me wonder how. Sometimes, I even wonder if things were better that way. The uncertainty of the interest level of the person in front of you. He could be a neighbour or a cousin or some random guy at a temple festival or a wedding or a nearby storekeeper or anyone at all. That smile that gives away, the thrill that you get, the minute of self-doubt where you imagine the worst things happening with this guy, the impulse which you succumb to, the rush for grabbing something within 2 minutes of meeting someone(In the PR world, it just NEVER happens!), the instinct to run along with the person to find a dark corner for just the two of you, the moment when you are in the middle of the act and somebody barges in & you run for your life to save your ass!

After all, writing is a way to keep things that you imagine in a parallel universe. How I wish these things happened & these would rather be memoirs than lines of fiction! 

Fears of Coming Out

This isn't one of those 8 ways to do Y posts. This is a genuine outpouring of what is in my mind at this point of time.

I am not out to my family or friends. I am quite close to them & yet I haven't had the courage to come out to them. Here's why.

I come from an extremely conservative background. A lot of these ideas are extremely alien to them & there's quite a bit of expectation on me. I am quite rebellious & non-conformist unless & until I have 100% belief in what I do. So, I am 200% sure I won't succumb to the pressure of marriage and things like that. Yet, being the eldest son, grandson & what not, someone who has established himself fairly successfully in the career path & doing well, I really am not sure how it will be taken when I tell them I like poles & not holes. I can't imagine the way my grandparents would react when I tell them I actually like the feeling of a warm dick in my mouth more than sucking up the nipple of a woman with copious bosom.

As far as best friends are concerned, there aren't too many and again, I am not sure if they are evolved enough to be around with a guy who likes men. A lot of them assume automatically that when I am away for a certain night, it is with a woman. When they spot a hickey on my neck, they immediately ask "Who's the wild girl?'. Very rarely has 377 come into our discussion and needless to say, it was in a sarcastic connotation.

I have very very few friends in the LGBT circle. That is quite conscious because most of them I come across in the community are quite vehemently showing off. Pride is important. I get it. But, I have a major problem with the mindset that this is the only priority in life & every single second, their actions would be that of an LGBT activist. I seriously am not comfortable being the centre of attraction wherever I go & most queens are loud & attention-seeking. I am not too big a fan of the sing-song type talk that I come across among many gay people. Why sound so fake? Gets on my nerves. I am NOT homophobic if that is what you are thinking. When someone naturally talks or walks in a certain way, that is totally fine. But, there is a line between that and doing it for attention regardless of the people around you. I also have a problem with straight men who have that face you want to punch & flaunt their machismo unwantedly in places such as waiting at a restaurant queue.

Now, that gives you a fair idea on how low my fuse is. It isn't easy to have too many friends with this mindset. I am perfectly aware of that and I haven't done enough to go to places where I would find like-minded people for befriending. That's another reason I am quite concerned about losing the friendships I have built over the years.

Interestingly, an incident happened recently. An NRI uncle of mine had come down and my parents had apparently shared their concern of my disinterest in marriage with him. He & I had a private conversation in which he asked me some very personal questions. One of them were 'Do you like men?'. I quite didn't expect that. I tactfully avoided answering all of his questions and took the conversation in a different direction. But, he did mention that it was totally OK to like anybody in this planet and nobody could force anything on me. If my parents can take the liberty to go & tell him their feelings about my marriage and make him talk to me about it, I think even I can tell him about my sexuality and ask him to talk to them. Nevertheless, I didn't do that. I don't know why. Maybe I thought that wasn't necessary. Or was it & I was confused. I don't know.

As we grow older, family stays but they grow old too. We know they aren't going to be around forever. What after them? That's a question that haunts me time and again.

As you grow older, the circle of friends keep changing too. I am not in touch with most of my schoolmates today. Very few guys from college are in touch despite the fact that I went to a hostel. Their priorities are different now. Most of them have wives & infants and those WhatsApp groups that you used to be part of are no longer there. Your place has been taken by some random dad & the WhatsApp groups have changed from 'MBA2011' to 'LKG-Parents Group'. From the days of discussing your question papers, they have moved on to discuss their children's LKG term paper(whatever fuck that means).

Not that coming out would make any difference to anyone at all. In any case, I am a bit of a loner now. That would cut off the few ties I have and I could just continue living this pointless life hooking up with random people in the depths of the night, in the darkness of the cars, bushes, washrooms, parked buses, whatever, take trips to LGBT festivals hoping something would happen but that would further reinforce the loneliness, working like a slave, making money, losing hair, losing health, losing sexiness, but not losing hope that life will still have to go on & keep running towards a destination that is totally unknown.

8 ways to ensure your first date goes really well

Let us admit that we all are social creatures and we seek acceptance  & love. Our quest for meeting the right man who would stand by us, share with us his joys, sorrows & life experiences is usually never-ending. In fact, that is one of the reasons we still have those (pointless) accounts on Grindr, PlanetRomeo and more.

A lot of it depends on the first interaction. Often times, you come across sex seekers or worse, so-called straight men seeking a blowjob at the max, most Indian women don't blow. However, to be able to identify & develop a rapport with a man that would sweep you off your feet is rare. If that happens, do not blow your chances on your first date:

#1 Place is most important

It needn't be a fancy place nor should you go for something really street cheap. People always look for memorable experiences. So, a high-rise balcony of a friend with a view of city lights or a quiet lunch at a place where there is enough room for you to remain undisturbed is good enough.

#2 Dress up to impress

Most people dress only to be undressed. However, if you really care about the date, dress up to perfection. Put some effort in researching what is in vogue, wear something that isn't too loud or tacky but suits you to perfection. A white/black shirt & a blue denim pants with brown leather boots always looks sexy on a man. Use mild perfume. Do NOT stink or be sweaty since that really isn't respectful. Do not wear clothes that reveal chest hair & other such things.

#3 Never brag

It is important to be yourself & all that but do not get into brag mode. You may be too good at doing 12 things or the youngest guy in your board. However, in an attempt to impress the person if you are going to get all bragging about yourselves, that is the hugest turn-off. I have had the urge to empty the dishes of gravy in our lunch spread on the head of the other person for the amount of bragging I have had to hear on some dates. Chances are I have made the same mistake too.

#4 Movie is never a bad idea but watch out

A movie date is never a very bad idea however keep your hands off the guy. Do not come across as a creep by running your fingers on his thighs or heaving breathe near his earlobes while trying to whisper something to him. It could be turning on for some people however, it shows your desperation and that is never a good thing.

#5 Do not talk money

Money has a weird quality. It has the power to get us all we want however, it somehow remains one of the major reasons for unhappiness in the world. Discussing money is one of the most disastrous ideas on a first date. It either makes the entire thing boring or it makes either of you sad/annoyed.

#6 Always dutch your first date

No matter what, insist on dutching your first date. Each man pays for his own meal/ticket/whatever. That not only increases mutual respect but is also the best way to pave way for other future collaborations.

#7 Sex - Not really a priority

As long as there is a strong sense of sexual reciprocation, refrain as much as you can from getting laid on the first date. It is always good to hold back & grow your yearning for a person. As long as it is just a fling that you really don't care much about, do not have sex on the mind. Sometimes it can be disappointing & extinguish those beautiful flames that are just beginning.

#8 Don't stick like a lizard

Any relationship builds organically. When you try to stick to someone too much, that really doesn't work out at all. Giving the other person ample space to get accustomed & feel warm is important. Don't breathe into his sleeves and make him suffocate in your thoughts. That is recipe to a faster farewell.

These are lessons learnt from personal disasters. Very rarely have I had the perfect dates & such poignant moments are really rare. I somehow blow it off sooner or later. In the interest of others, I have written this based on my own mistakes & experiences & I wish you have several memorable first dates!