This isn't one of those 8 ways to do Y posts. This is a genuine outpouring of what is in my mind at this point of time.
I am not out to my family or friends. I am quite close to them & yet I haven't had the courage to come out to them. Here's why.
I come from an extremely conservative background. A lot of these ideas are extremely alien to them & there's quite a bit of expectation on me. I am quite rebellious & non-conformist unless & until I have 100% belief in what I do. So, I am 200% sure I won't succumb to the pressure of marriage and things like that. Yet, being the eldest son, grandson & what not, someone who has established himself fairly successfully in the career path & doing well, I really am not sure how it will be taken when I tell them I like poles & not holes. I can't imagine the way my grandparents would react when I tell them I actually like the feeling of a warm dick in my mouth more than sucking up the nipple of a woman with copious bosom.
As far as best friends are concerned, there aren't too many and again, I am not sure if they are evolved enough to be around with a guy who likes men. A lot of them assume automatically that when I am away for a certain night, it is with a woman. When they spot a hickey on my neck, they immediately ask "Who's the wild girl?'. Very rarely has 377 come into our discussion and needless to say, it was in a sarcastic connotation.
I have very very few friends in the LGBT circle. That is quite conscious because most of them I come across in the community are quite vehemently showing off. Pride is important. I get it. But, I have a major problem with the mindset that this is the only priority in life & every single second, their actions would be that of an LGBT activist. I seriously am not comfortable being the centre of attraction wherever I go & most queens are loud & attention-seeking. I am not too big a fan of the sing-song type talk that I come across among many gay people. Why sound so fake? Gets on my nerves. I am NOT homophobic if that is what you are thinking. When someone naturally talks or walks in a certain way, that is totally fine. But, there is a line between that and doing it for attention regardless of the people around you. I also have a problem with straight men who have that face you want to punch & flaunt their machismo unwantedly in places such as waiting at a restaurant queue.
Now, that gives you a fair idea on how low my fuse is. It isn't easy to have too many friends with this mindset. I am perfectly aware of that and I haven't done enough to go to places where I would find like-minded people for befriending. That's another reason I am quite concerned about losing the friendships I have built over the years.
Interestingly, an incident happened recently. An NRI uncle of mine had come down and my parents had apparently shared their concern of my disinterest in marriage with him. He & I had a private conversation in which he asked me some very personal questions. One of them were 'Do you like men?'. I quite didn't expect that. I tactfully avoided answering all of his questions and took the conversation in a different direction. But, he did mention that it was totally OK to like anybody in this planet and nobody could force anything on me. If my parents can take the liberty to go & tell him their feelings about my marriage and make him talk to me about it, I think even I can tell him about my sexuality and ask him to talk to them. Nevertheless, I didn't do that. I don't know why. Maybe I thought that wasn't necessary. Or was it & I was confused. I don't know.
As we grow older, family stays but they grow old too. We know they aren't going to be around forever. What after them? That's a question that haunts me time and again.
As you grow older, the circle of friends keep changing too. I am not in touch with most of my schoolmates today. Very few guys from college are in touch despite the fact that I went to a hostel. Their priorities are different now. Most of them have wives & infants and those WhatsApp groups that you used to be part of are no longer there. Your place has been taken by some random dad & the WhatsApp groups have changed from 'MBA2011' to 'LKG-Parents Group'. From the days of discussing your question papers, they have moved on to discuss their children's LKG term paper(whatever fuck that means).
Not that coming out would make any difference to anyone at all. In any case, I am a bit of a loner now. That would cut off the few ties I have and I could just continue living this pointless life hooking up with random people in the depths of the night, in the darkness of the cars, bushes, washrooms, parked buses, whatever, take trips to LGBT festivals hoping something would happen but that would further reinforce the loneliness, working like a slave, making money, losing hair, losing health, losing sexiness, but not losing hope that life will still have to go on & keep running towards a destination that is totally unknown.
I am not out to my family or friends. I am quite close to them & yet I haven't had the courage to come out to them. Here's why.
I come from an extremely conservative background. A lot of these ideas are extremely alien to them & there's quite a bit of expectation on me. I am quite rebellious & non-conformist unless & until I have 100% belief in what I do. So, I am 200% sure I won't succumb to the pressure of marriage and things like that. Yet, being the eldest son, grandson & what not, someone who has established himself fairly successfully in the career path & doing well, I really am not sure how it will be taken when I tell them I like poles & not holes. I can't imagine the way my grandparents would react when I tell them I actually like the feeling of a warm dick in my mouth more than sucking up the nipple of a woman with copious bosom.
As far as best friends are concerned, there aren't too many and again, I am not sure if they are evolved enough to be around with a guy who likes men. A lot of them assume automatically that when I am away for a certain night, it is with a woman. When they spot a hickey on my neck, they immediately ask "Who's the wild girl?'. Very rarely has 377 come into our discussion and needless to say, it was in a sarcastic connotation.
I have very very few friends in the LGBT circle. That is quite conscious because most of them I come across in the community are quite vehemently showing off. Pride is important. I get it. But, I have a major problem with the mindset that this is the only priority in life & every single second, their actions would be that of an LGBT activist. I seriously am not comfortable being the centre of attraction wherever I go & most queens are loud & attention-seeking. I am not too big a fan of the sing-song type talk that I come across among many gay people. Why sound so fake? Gets on my nerves. I am NOT homophobic if that is what you are thinking. When someone naturally talks or walks in a certain way, that is totally fine. But, there is a line between that and doing it for attention regardless of the people around you. I also have a problem with straight men who have that face you want to punch & flaunt their machismo unwantedly in places such as waiting at a restaurant queue.
Now, that gives you a fair idea on how low my fuse is. It isn't easy to have too many friends with this mindset. I am perfectly aware of that and I haven't done enough to go to places where I would find like-minded people for befriending. That's another reason I am quite concerned about losing the friendships I have built over the years.
Interestingly, an incident happened recently. An NRI uncle of mine had come down and my parents had apparently shared their concern of my disinterest in marriage with him. He & I had a private conversation in which he asked me some very personal questions. One of them were 'Do you like men?'. I quite didn't expect that. I tactfully avoided answering all of his questions and took the conversation in a different direction. But, he did mention that it was totally OK to like anybody in this planet and nobody could force anything on me. If my parents can take the liberty to go & tell him their feelings about my marriage and make him talk to me about it, I think even I can tell him about my sexuality and ask him to talk to them. Nevertheless, I didn't do that. I don't know why. Maybe I thought that wasn't necessary. Or was it & I was confused. I don't know.
As we grow older, family stays but they grow old too. We know they aren't going to be around forever. What after them? That's a question that haunts me time and again.
As you grow older, the circle of friends keep changing too. I am not in touch with most of my schoolmates today. Very few guys from college are in touch despite the fact that I went to a hostel. Their priorities are different now. Most of them have wives & infants and those WhatsApp groups that you used to be part of are no longer there. Your place has been taken by some random dad & the WhatsApp groups have changed from 'MBA2011' to 'LKG-Parents Group'. From the days of discussing your question papers, they have moved on to discuss their children's LKG term paper(whatever fuck that means).
Not that coming out would make any difference to anyone at all. In any case, I am a bit of a loner now. That would cut off the few ties I have and I could just continue living this pointless life hooking up with random people in the depths of the night, in the darkness of the cars, bushes, washrooms, parked buses, whatever, take trips to LGBT festivals hoping something would happen but that would further reinforce the loneliness, working like a slave, making money, losing hair, losing health, losing sexiness, but not losing hope that life will still have to go on & keep running towards a destination that is totally unknown.
got to know about ur blog from sai...interesting what u hav typed here... i too am a closeted gay.... and yes...it gets lonely.... happy to hav a few close G frnds...who take the time out when..i get lonely...and call up and speak to me....:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your compliments. I am glad you have people like that in your life. :)
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so good. I am also from chennai but have lived abroad for over ten years now... Coming out was hard or should I say is hard... As everyone you meet you have to reestablish relations with.... But I have now been with a guy for 6 years... And it's been lovely... Parents are slowly calling him not just a roommate but a friend... Progress is slow but sometimes happens.... Keep writing... I think it will help... Best s.
ReplyDelete